B*6,

How are you today? It's Friday and I'm glad. I'm glad I have tomorrow off from yoga school. So glad in fact that I've arranged a drinks party to showcase my new room. Havn't gotten many RSVP's but I expect some of these bitches to show up unannounced. That's qool as I do like surprises.

Looks like some of your friends have some insight into the motivation thing you're feeling your way through. I have similar insecurities entering a relationship. Basically for me they boil down to "sure he likes me, what I've shown him, but if he knew me, if I was totally myself there'd be no chance. So this can't last." It's the "I'm not worthy of love and happiness" syndrome. Perhaps it's not the same as what you're feeling, but the feeling of inevitable doom is there.

And our personal history is there to reinforce it. My mind likes to remind me that I've fucked everything up everytime I've atempted to get close with someone. End up hurting him/her and myself. The future is so unknown, how can I really commit to something that doesn't exist?

Nowadays: Well, I've not been in a physical relationship for over a year. Single is strange for me, not sure it's getting any easier but I am getting more practice with it. I'm still friends with my ex, which is good and bad. We're getting along better than ever, but I'm still wildly attracted to him. Even tho I know we're physically incompatable, that he can't give me what I need. I keep grip on him with a silly hope that we'll be in love and everything will be different and perfect. I'm a romantic.

My motivation, when I remember to practice it, is Peace. Peace of mind, body and spirit. It involves constant mindfullness and evaluation. "Will this disturb my Peace?" Asking that question of everything. Of the food I eat, the people I see, the emails I write, my response and reaction to challenges and work and home. Finding a way to live in the world and maintain a steady Peace. Because that is where happiness lies, in our right relationship to everything.

Expectations are the cause of all suffering. If you have no investment in the outcome of your actions, just doing them because it's the right thing to do (a perfect action defined as one that harms noone and helps at least one person, which can be yourself), then you will not be disappointed.

These are some of the many yogic practices. Yoga being a science (repeatable results, do the practice, get the result) to realize your true nature which is peace or happiness. It's a lot of work, but I'm glad to have been exposed to these teachings/tools as a way to live in greater harmony and with less discomfort in my body and mind.

Alright, that's enough for now. I hope some of this makes sense. Keep at it, life is truely sweet.

xo,

Charls

--- B****** wrote:

> Charls,

> Trust me... wanting you is something I do A LOT.

> I wish, at this point in time, I had more motivation

> than a fancy for

> someone thousands of miles away.

> You're what I've got, Charls.

> And I need MORE OF IT!

>

> See me soon and talk to me sooner.

> Love,

> B******